THE STORY OF SOME ASSHOLE CALLING ME "SIR"
I got called "sir" the other day, by some fucking shit head with a face and a stupid mouth. Fuck that guy. He made me feel old, like a person who doesn't matter any more. I suppose when you hit 40, you'd better be ready for the general population of people to have that opinion of you.
Then I thought of all the times I've probably made someone else feel old and worthless by calling them "sir." Fuck them, they don't matter.
What does matter is the nothingness, the empty vacuum of space that we all try to fill up with stuff. It's the quest we're all on, even the little 8 year old with an AK47 risking his life harvesting diamonds for us fat, lazy, spoiled Americans. It's that vacuum that nature has blessed/cursed us with. It always needs to be filled up. And even if one manages to fill it up, it empties out pretty quick. It needs constant refilling.
I heard an interview with a person on my favorite radio station the other day. He was an early 40s dude who was doing something with cancer. I don't remember. It's not fucking important, so stop asking!
He said he was talking to a doctor person, I don't know if it was his friend or just a guy he ran into in an alley giving out hand jobs for meth. He told this doctor person that he was thinking about going to medical school and becoming a doctor, but he was concerned that he would be in his 50s by the time he got out.
And this doctor person, who may or may not prostitute his body in exchange for meth, told him, "you're still going to be 50."
It took a couple of minutes for it sink in, because I'm dumb. Then it seemed like my world view changed. I'd heard that concept uttered in various forms, but I've never heard it put so bluntly and so, what's the word, simply, in a way that even I could understand it. Or maybe when I'd heard it before I was too young to give a shit.
But now that I'm 40+, I realize that I'm not so indestructible any more. I realize that I'm not going to live forever. I also realize that had I stuck to any of the stupid things that were important to me 10, 20 years ago, that now, I'd be a 40+ year old who did those things also. Drummer, musician, writer, rock star, belly dancer, whatever.
It's almost like hearing those stupid words come out of that stupid guys mouth gave me permission to do anything I want. It gave me permission to start something new, even if the end is years down the road, even if the end puts me in my 70s.
Like having a kid. I worry that I'll be too old to do anything but sit around and be old with him/her. Maybe, but even if that is the future truth, I can either sit around and be old without a kid or sit around and be old with a kid. I can either be a 50 year drummer/musician, or I can be a 50 year old whatever I am now (not that there's anything wrong with how awesome I is now). I can be a 70 year old that's published 100+ books who can't control his bowels, or just a 70 year old who can't control his bowels.
You get the picture.